All three of them had their phones out, checking the same message, and for a moment the waiting room went quiet. It was a text from Max, her namesake, the surgeon who’d taken charge of Harper’s case. Super Dr. Harper, the real deal, and apparently he’d sent them a note of encouragement before taking their baby into theatre.
“That’s really sweet,” Shona said, and sniffed. “And a bit sickening,” Nick added. “Dead brainy surgeon and he’s also really thoughtful and nice. If I didn’t like him so much, I’d hate him.
”
“Oh, that reminds me,” Shona said, brightening. “I need to send him some pie. ”
Nick stared at her. “What?
”
“Bernie said that when he was in the cafe, he couldn’t get enough of the cheese and onion pie, but they don’t do it down south. So I thought I’d send him some. ”
“You’re going to send him a pie in the post? ”
“Yeah.
That’d be funny. And thoughtful. And aggressively northern. ”
Nick snorted.
“He’s leaning a bit too much into the stereotype, isn’t he? What’s next, you deliver it with a whippet wearing a flat cap? ”
“Shut up. ”
They were on the ward, surrounded by machines and soft beeping, and Harper lay still and small in the cot.
She’d already survived a crash and major surgery, and now this. The teratoma on her neck had to come out. The doctors had explained the risks slowly and carefully, and Shona had made Max repeat them back to her so he knew, really knew, what was happening to his daughter while he sat in a prison cell miles away. “There’s a small chance the mass could turn malignant if they don’t get it all,” Max had said over the phone, his voice crackly.
“Damage to nerves that impact facial movement and speech. Issues with swallowing and eating. If the tumor extends to the spinal cord… ”
“Yeah,” Shona had said.
“I mean, there’s always going to be risks, but maybe we should focus on the positives, yeah? ”
She’d put the phone down and looked at Nick. “Mom keeps asking me to tell him about all the risks. She just wants to make sure he’s kept up to date.
”
Nick didn’t argue. They both knew the truth of it. Harper was so small that the machines were keeping her alive, let alone getting her through an operation like this. And Shona wasn’t sure they should be sitting here at all.
The doctors had said they didn’t want any fuss. “Yeah, but that’s the thing Shona says sometimes,” Nick said. “She doesn’t always mean it. ”
Fresh out of arguments and with a couple of lunch bookings they could cancel, they decided to go down to the hospital anyway.
Jodie came too, and Toyah arrived with a bag of sandwiches and a determination to keep them all from losing their minds. Lily had to go to school, no matter how much she moaned about it. “Where’s Debs? ” someone asked, and the answer came back fast and grim.
“She’s collapsed. They’ve took her to hospital. ”
Debs was already on her way back by the time they heard the news, but it sat in the room anyway, a heavy reminder that nothing waited for anyone. The waiting room had white walls and uncomfortable chairs and a television bolted to the ceiling that played an interior design show on a loop.
Shona stared at it. “You didn’t think she fancied watching a cartoon then? ”
“No,” Nick said. “Why would I do that to myself?
Like they weren’t already going on about ships and colors. And this lot are a big fan of beige, aren’t they? ”
One of the babies on the screen sneezed, and Shona’s eyes went soft. “Bless her.
She’s got a sniffle. ”
“Which means we’re going to get a sniffle,” Nick said dryly. “See, that could be a sympathy sneeze. ”
“What?
”
“You know, like a sympathy yawn. When somebody yawns and then everybody else yawns. It says you’re empathetic. ”
“I’m pretty sure that doesn’t apply to sneezing.
”
“Well, apparently it says you’re empathetic,” she insisted. “You’re definitely catching something. ”
It was the best they could do, filling the silence with nonsense, because the alternative was watching the clock and wondering what was happening on the other side of those doors. Shona had been here for two hours.
Nick had asked the time about five minutes ago. “Seriously, David, it’s been five minutes since you last asked. ”
“All right. ”
“Anyway, you’ve got the time on your phone.
”
“It’s been two hours. ”
“So we’ve got eight hours left,” Shona said. “And I’m not sitting here for the next eight hours listening to you whitter on. ”
“Would you want to go for a walk?
”
“No. I just want to sit here for the next eight hours and wait to find out how Harper is. ”
“Okay. Sounds like a plan.
”
They didn’t have to wait eight hours for the others to show up. Jodie pushed through the door first, Sarah and Toyah trailing after her, and Shona saw them before they saw her. “What are you doing? What’s going on?
”
“We just thought we’d come keep you company,” Sarah said. “What, even though I told you not to? ”
“I know, but we thought we didn’t need to talk that. ”
“Yeah, you do talk a lot of nonsense sometimes,” Shona said, but she softened.
“Is that okay with you, Shona? ”
“Oh, yeah. I mean, you’re here now, aren’t you? ”
“Any news?
”
“Nothing. ”
“What’s Toyah doing here? ”
“Well, she’s family. And I’ve got sandwiches.
”
“All right, well, Toyah can stay. The rest of you can jog on. ”
It was a joke, mostly, and they all knew it, but the tension in the room loosened anyway. Toyah unpacked her offerings: hummus and chargrilled vegetable paninis, cold caprese ones, yesterday’s stock from the Bee Store but pretty good second day.
Shona took one and chewed without tasting it. She kept looking at the doors. “You’re a mate. Thanks, Toyah.
”
“Well, these ones are yesterday’s, but they’re pretty good second day, aren’t they? ”
“Yeah. ”
Nick pulled out his phone. “You do me a favor, you just call Mom and let her know, cuz I can’t be bothered talking to her again after this morning.
I’ve already hearted and thumbs-upped her messages in the group chat. ”
“Yeah, but you know she doesn’t like an emoji, does she? Do a selfie or something. That’ll do the trick.
”
“We’re not doing a selfie in a hospital. ”
“Nick, Toyah. Should we get a selfie? ”
Sarah hung back near the door, fiddling with her sleeve.
“You sure you’re okay with us being here? ”
“Yeah,” Shona said. “Good. Cuz it was me.
I really wanted to be here. ”
“Right, I’ve got some sudokus if you want to do one of those,” Nick offered. “No, ta. ”
The afternoon stretched out.
Toyah went to check on other patients and promised to look in later. Sarah left to sort out her own things, saying she’d nip to the shop because she got low blood sugar when she didn’t eat, and she was sorry she’d shouted earlier. She wasn’t diabetic or anything, she just got tired and grouchy. “No, no, don’t be.
I totally get it. There are a lot of us. ”
“Yeah, there is. ”
Sarah paused at the doorway, looked back at Shona.
“Do you want a hug? You look like you could do with one. ”
“I don’t think I can take another one,” Shona said, but Sarah was already holding out her arms, and Shona folded into them. Just for a second.
“Harper will be fine, you know. I promise. ”
“Yeah. I know.
”
Then Sarah left, and Shona was alone again with the beige walls and the hummus and the tiny television. She didn’t cry. She hadn’t let herself cry yet, because if she started, she wasn’t sure she’d stop. Down in the prison, Max was on the phone, talking to anyone who would listen.
He’d already made Lou promise to ring him the moment it was finished. He’d told his mother about every risk the doctors had mentioned, every percent, every possibility, until she’d finally said, “So, you’re saying we should stay positive? ”
“Do you hear that? ” Max had said, and Shona had heard the crack in his voice.
On the ward, the doors swung open and a nurse came toward them. Shona stood up too fast. The nurse had a quiet voice and a calm face, and she said something about a bleed. A bleed.
The doctors had rushed into Harper’s room. “What? What’s happened? ”
“They didn’t say much, but they said something about bleed.
”
“Bleed? That sounds serious to me. ”
“They said it wasn’t serious, though. ”
“Why didn’t you ask him more?
”
“Because I thought it best to let him go in and do the job, all right? ”
Nick looked at the floor. Shona looked at the doors. The others came back from wherever they’d been and stood around her in a loose circle, offering nothing but their presence, and for a moment that was enough.
“I’m really glad you came,” Shona managed. “Well, I’m not,” Sarah said, and she sounded like she meant it. “I don’t know what the hell you’re doing here, Sarah, cuz all you’re doing is sat around chatting about flipping Wi-Fi and hummus. ”
“We just wanted to support you.
”
“I don’t want your support. I don’t want any of you here. You’re just making things worse. ”
The room went still.
Sarah picked up her bag. “We’ll go. ”
“Yeah, just go, please. ”
They did.
Toyah shot her a hurt look but gathered her sandwiches and followed the others out, and the swish of the door felt like a slap. Shona stood there for a long moment, then sat down heavily. She stared at the beige walls, at the television showing the same interior design episode again. On her phone, a message popped up from Lou at the prison.
She’d spoken to Sally and told her about Debs, and now everyone knew. “You could have told me yourself,” Shona muttered. She didn’t call. She just sat in the quiet and let the minutes pile up.
Nikki appeared at some point, a baby in her arms, and Shona recognized her from the ward. They’d nodded at each other a few times, two mothers in the same corridor. Nikki settled onto the chair beside her. “Hello, Tilly,” Shona said softly, and the little girl waved a chubby hand.
“We’re hoping we can take her home soon,” Nikki said. “How exciting, eh? ”
“Yeah. ”
“Are you with the girl that’s having the big op?
” Nikki hesitated. “Sorry, I heard the nurses talking. Shouldn’t have said anything. ”
“No, no, it’s fine.
I’m her mum. I’m Shona. ”
“I’m Nikki. Yeah, I’m …
my little Harper’s in for a big day today. ”
“That was her dad. He’s spinning out a bit. ”
“Yeah, well, that’s what dads are for, eh?
”
Shona laughed, a short, hollow sound. “No. I mean, to be fair to him, he’s been brilliant. I just sometimes wish I wasn’t having to be the strong one all the time.
”
“From what I’ve just seen, you’re doing brilliantly. You and Harper are lucky to have you. ”
Nikki touched her arm, then stood, adjusting Tilly on her hip. “I’ll see you, Shona.
Bye, Tilly. ” And she was gone. Shona sat alone for a long time after that. She watched the light outside the window shift from white to gold to grey.
It was like coming out of the cinema in the daytime and finding it suddenly dark, except backwards. She’d never just watched time pass before. “Do you think Harper feels that? ” she asked Nick when he came back to check on her, because of course he came back.
“Time passing. Boredom. Loneliness. ”
“I don’t know,” he said honestly.
“I’m never going to let her feel like that, though. Lonely. It’s the worst thing. ”
“Well, I doubt she feels lonely, not with all that lot around her anyway.
”
“Sometimes it’s all I crave, a bit of loneliness. ”
“You don’t mean that. ”
They sat together in the dim room. The television flickered, still showing beige walls and an empty bed and a toilet.
Nick finally broke. “Here you go. Oh, flipping heck. Stop.
David! What are you doing here? ”
“David? ” Shona blinked.
“Well, we thought you didn’t leave. ”
His hands were on her shoulders, his face close to hers, and he was looking at her like she was the only thing in the room. “So, how is she? ”
“She’s fine,” Shona said, and the words came out strange, because she’d been holding them in for so long.
“Oh my god. So, totally fine. So… you.
”
“What have you done? ” David asked. “What? ”
“I’ve just been told my husband’s coming in for an emergency visit.
What have you said? ”
“I made a call to my kids. And yeah, I might have mentioned something to Sally. Just to get him in.
”
“Why? How dare you? ”
“Let’s just calm it down there, ladies,” Nick said, but the heat was already rising. “You know nothing about me,” Lou hissed.
“Nothing. We’re not friends. You’re just some common little strumpet with a psycho killer husband. ”
“Right, the pair of you, stop it now.
”
Lou turned on her. “You need to back off. ”
“Yeah, that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, me. Back off.
You mean nothing to me, you. ”
“Back off,” Lou repeated, and there was something raw in her voice. “I don’t you — back off. ”
“Yeah, all right.
I’m backing off. ”
Shona took a step back, then another. Her hands were shaking. She looked at Lou, at the woman she’d spent so long trying not to think about, and she didn’t have anything left in her that wanted to fight.
“So what did I keep saying? ” Nick said quietly, breaking the silence. “Proper hard. No.
She’s a lover, not a fighter. ”
Shona looked at him, and for the first time all day, a genuine laugh escaped her. “No wonder she gets out for it. ”
“I love you,” she said, and it wasn’t to Nick, it wasn’t to anyone.
She was just saying it out loud, pushing it into the air, hoping it would find Harper and Max and everyone else she was trying to hold onto. Then the doors opened, and the surgeon came in. His scrubs were clean, his face was tired, and he was smiling. It was a small smile, but it was there.
“She’s out,” he said. “She did brilliantly. ”
Shona didn’t hear the rest.
She was already moving past him, down the corridor, toward the room where her daughter was waiting for her.
