The pan hit the floor, and the look on her face told me everything I needed to know. She was frozen, eyes wide, staring at something she couldn’t unsee. “Are you okay? ” I asked.
She didn’t answer. She just stood there, trembling. “I thought giving her somewhere safe would reassure her,” I said. “She saw what she saw.
You can’t unsee that stuff. ”
“Yeah, I’ll get a counselor to see her sooner rather than later. ”
Later, I found her in the hallway. She was backed against the wall, arms crossed.
“Leave me alone. Please leave me alone. ”
“I was just asking. ”
“Just go away.
”
“All right. I think you need to calm down. ”
Tim intervened. “Come on, Lucy.
”
But she wasn’t done. She turned on me, her voice sharp. “You just can’t help yourself, can you? She’s lost her mom.
She’s struggling. And I feel sorry for her. Who knows? Maybe if she had better foster parents.
”
I let her words hang in the air. I didn’t have the energy to fight. Not today. The next morning, the house was buzzing with talk about a date I’d had.
It had been a disaster. The guy turned out to be gay, and everyone had a joke about it. “You’re really not helping,” I said. “Apologies.
You know, I once organized a blind date with somebody called Leslie, but unfortunately their parents had inadvertently used the wrong spelling. ”
Everyone laughed. I didn’t. Todd was at the table, smug as ever.
“Not that fussy. It was a joke. Is this how it’s going to be now? The guy’s gay.
All right. The best you could have hoped for was to be mates without benefits. ”
“I think an apology is in order, Todd,” I said. “Oh, why?
Because Glenda’s disappointed? Me coming along changed absolutely nothing. In fact, I did you a favor. ”
I stood up.
“If you’ve all finished, I’ve got dead bodies to attend to. ”
I’m an undertaker. That’s my job. But it wasn’t the bodies that were haunting me.
It was my own family. Later that day, I was told that Lucy’s mom was now at the undertakers. I had to tell her. “Social services called,” I said carefully.
“Your mom is at the funeral home now. I know that’s a lot for you to take on. I was wondering if you want me to go. I could always put something in the coffin for you.
”
“No thanks. ”
“That’s absolutely fine. But if you change your mind…”
“I want to go myself. ”
“Are you sure?
It’s a difficult thing to do. ”
“Yeah. Tim’s right. No, I want to.
”
“Will you come with me? ” she asked. “Yeah. Yeah, of course I will.
”
She looked at me, eyes searching. “Do you know what? I don’t think you and I are that dissimilar. ”
“Really?
”
“No. I think we both find it hard to let people in. You know, accept help. ”
“I don’t know.
You found it pretty easy to accept a fair bit from Mary. ”
Todd’s voice broke in. “Do you know what, Todd? This smart mouth of yours, it’s not very helpful.
It’s certainly not funny. It’s just cruel. And you’re very good at keeping people at arm’s length. But you pointing out every single thing that I have done wrong does not make your actions any more acceptable.
”
“Where are you going? ” he asked. “I need some fresh air. ”
Later, at the funeral home, I saw a familiar face.
“I’m surprised to see you here. ”
“Well, just be thankful that you haven’t put me six feet under yet. Otherwise, it’d be a proper shock. ”
I managed a weak smile.
“You’d be the only person to haunt me. ”
The person I was meeting was important. Someone I was hoping would give my business a boost. But the conversation felt hollow.
Everyone had their own agendas, their own secrets. By the time I got back, the house was in chaos. My sister Glenda was pushing a craft beer promotion at her pub, and she had invited an influencer to review it. She was nervous, snapping at everyone.
“Any moment think we’re in business to make money, ma,” she said to her mother-in-law, who responded with a dry laugh. “Sweetheart, you’ll be praying for me to pop my clogs before we’re done. ”
The tension was thick. Everyone was on edge.
That evening, my phone rang. It was my son, Harry. He was in trouble again—something about a fight, about money, about choices that were spiraling out of control. “Yeah.
How are you anyway? How’s your problem you were having? ” he asked. “It’s okay.
You’ll be out soon. I know you will. ”
“I did wonder about a French pleat,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. “Or a Grace Kelly roll, as it’s more popularly called.
”
“Yeah, why not? ”
“I’m thinking of going full Grace Kelly. ”
“What’s up, Harry? October isn’t even that far away.
”
“Did you get my text? ” he asked. “Well, yeah. I think it’s probably the best that I can hope for, really.
”
“Oh, darling, I’m so sorry. ”
I heard the click of a call cutting off. He was gone. My mother-in-law found me later, sitting at the kitchen table.
It was Paul’s birthday—my late husband’s. She sat down quietly. “I sit here at the kitchen table having our usual celebratory breakfast and I imagine her opposite. It’s a ghost.
But one from which I take great comfort. ”
“I have seen a ghost today, as it goes,” I said. “But not to do with our Paul. ”
“Don’t be daft.
”
“You’ve got every right to be upset. It won’t be in your shoes. ”
“I don’t want to remember her like that. It’s fine.
”
I told her about the day Paul died. About the guilt I carried. “Every night I think about it. Wonder if I could have done anything different.
That maybe if I had, she’d still be alive. ”
“You’ve got nothing to blame yourself for. ”
But I did. I had to tell her the truth.
“There’s something I need to tell you. About the day your brother died. ”
I took a breath. “He wanted to go stay with his mate for a bit.
But I persuaded him to go home and try and patch things up with your mom. ”
“But why? ”
“I know. I know.
I shouldn’t have said. I should have minded my own business. But if I had, she’d still be alive. ”
Her face crumbled.
“I’m so sorry. I’d give anything to turn back the clock. ”
“If only I had let him get on that train. ”
The news hit her like a physical blow.
The weight of my guilt crashed down on her too. She was furious. She was grieving. She looked at me like I was a stranger.
“You know nothing about him. And he’s in there because of you. ”
“I’m going back,” she said. “Well, I’ll pay up and I’ll see you at home.
”
“I don’t have a home. ”
She walked out, and I stayed frozen in place. That night, the girl Lucy found me in the kitchen. She had heard something.
She knew I had told someone about her dad’s temper. She was angry. “What do you want to talk about earlier? ” I asked.
“Not really. ”
“Might be a good idea. ”
“How? ”
“Well, we had social services on the phone.
They just wanted to let us know that your mom is now at the undertakers. I know that’s a lot for you to take on. ”
“No thanks. ”
“If you change your mind…”
“I want to go myself.
”
“Are you sure? It’s a difficult thing to do. ”
“Yeah, Tim’s right. No, I want to.
”
“Will you come with me? ”
“Yeah, of course I will. ”
I looked at her, really looked at her. “Do you know what, love?
I don’t think you and I are that dissimilar. We both find it hard to let people in. ”
“I don’t know. You found it pretty easy to accept a fair bit from Mary.
”
I snapped. “Do you know what? This smart mouth of yours, it’s not very helpful. It’s certainly not funny.
It’s just cruel. And you’re very good at keeping people at arm’s length. But you pointing out every single thing that I have done wrong does not make your actions any more acceptable. ”
“Where are you going?
” she asked. “I need some fresh air. ”
I walked out into the night, my mind racing. The guilt was a physical weight in my chest.
I had sent Paul home. I had sent him to his death. And now everyone else was paying the price. At the pub the next day, I ran into my ex-husband, Neil.
He was trying to steal my thunder again, stirring up trouble with Glenda’s influencer event. “You just couldn’t bear it, could you? ” he said. “What was it?
Me striking out on my own or the thought of losing out to Speed D? ”
“My son, I am not losing any sleep because you’re doing a wee bit of cooking around the clock,” I shot back. “Just can’t help yourself, can you? Just cuz this is where you’ve ended up.
”
“You watch your mouth. ”
Glenda pulled us apart. “All right, you two. Come on, in the back.
”
“He was supposed to be reviewing us,” I said. “But he couldn’t stand the idea. ”
“Behave yourself, would you? ”
“I am not some kid you can just shut down.
”
“No, you’re not some kid. But you do need to grow up. ”
“Me grow up? ”
“Right.
Back room. Now. ”
I walked out, fuming. My brother was insufferable.
He always had to win. Even when we were kids—board games, computer games—he couldn’t stand to lose. “He’s always been the same,” Glenda said. “Comes of being a sportsman.
”
“He comes from being an idiot. ”
I smirked, but it didn’t reach my eyes. Later, I found myself at the funeral home again. My daughter-in-law, Christina, was there.
We talked about the kids, about Harry, about everything falling apart. “He’s doing okay,” she said. “Harry’s doing okay. Adam and Ali—obviously he’s missing you, but everybody’s rallying around.
”
“Well, that was really good. And thank goodness he’s not back at school yet. ”
She looked at me, concerned. “How are you anyway?
How’s your problem you were having? ”
“Yeah. No, it’s okay. You’ll be out soon.
I know you will. ”
We talked about her hair, about the future, about anything but the truth. But the truth was always there, lurking underneath. That evening, back at the house, I found Glenda on the phone.
She was arguing with someone about the influencer event. “I’ve just had Jod on the phone about shifts,” she said. “I’m sorry. ”
“Well, you know, want to move to Whitby.
Oh, never mind. She’s popping in. ”
I nodded. Everyone was leaving.
Everyone was moving on. And I was still stuck here, haunted by the past. The next day, I went to see Lucy. She had run away from the house after our argument.
I found her sitting by the river, staring at the water. “Are you feeling better? ” I asked. “No.
That is as sour as a sherbet lemon. ”
“Yeah. Why don’t you go in the back and make everyone a brew? ” I said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Anything to take away the taste. ”
She looked at me, her eyes sharp. “I know what you did. ”
My stomach dropped.
“What? ”
“You told him to go back. You told Paul to go back to my mom. And he killed her.
”
I couldn’t breathe. How did she know? “I didn’t know he was violent,” I stammered. “I thought I was helping.
”
“You killed my mom,” she said. “You and your good intentions. ”
She stood up, wiping her eyes. “I’m going to the funeral home.
I’m going to say goodbye. ”
“I’ll come with you. ”
“No. I don’t want you there.
I don’t want you anywhere near me. ”
She walked away, and I was left alone with the weight of everything I had done. At the funeral home, I saw Lucy standing outside, waiting. She had decided to go in herself.
I watched her from a distance, wanting to go to her but knowing I wasn’t welcome. The door opened, and she walked in. I saw her pause, looking at the coffin. And then she turned and walked back out, her face pale.
“Are you okay? ” I asked, moving toward her. “Leave me alone,” she said, her voice trembling. “I’m so sorry, Lucy.
I never meant for any of this to happen. ”
She looked at me, tears in her eyes. “You sent him home. You sent him home to kill her.
And now you want to make it right? You can’t. ”
She walked past me, and I didn’t stop her. I went home that night alone.
The house was quiet. I sat at the kitchen table, like I had done so many times before, imagining Paul sitting opposite me. But he wasn’t there. He was gone.
And he was gone because of me. I didn’t sleep. I just sat there, waiting for the morning to come, waiting to see what other secrets would surface. The phone rang.
It was the funeral home. They had scheduled Lucy’s mom’s service for tomorrow. Would I be attending? I said yes.
It was the least I could do. But as I hung up, I realized I didn’t know how I could face Lucy again. Or face the truth of what I had done. And somewhere in the back of my mind, a question kept forming: if I had minded my own business that day, would she still be alive?
I didn’t have an answer. I don’t think I ever will.
