I got the call a few days ago, and I knew it was serious because my mom only calls when something is actually wrong. Her voice was sobbing. “The dog has passed. It’s already over.
I’m so sorry. ”
I couldn’t process it. I told her I’d call her back, cried, called some friends, and waited a few hours before I could pick up the phone again. When I did, she told me my worst fear had come true.
“You were right. I should have had her on a leash. I was cleaning up the front yard and she was just by my side. Then she saw a big dog across the street and bolted.
The car hit her. I took her to the vet, but they lost her. ”
She kept apologizing, crying, telling me she was supposed to protect her and she didn’t. I knew my mom loved that dog too, and I couldn’t imagine how hard that call must have been for her.
She also had to call my brother and sister. My sister was especially attached to the dog, always taking her camping, hiking, and swimming. I told her, “I forgive you. It’s okay.
I love you. I’ve got to go. ” Then I hung up. A few texts went back and forth.
She asked if I wanted the body buried or cremated. I said cremated. She said okay. I wasn’t angry.
I was just incredibly sad and depressed. That was five days ago. Since then, I didn’t call my mom, and I didn’t get a chance to see her. She occasionally texted “how are you doing” and I’d reply “as well as I can be.
” I didn’t get any calls or texts from my siblings. Then yesterday, I was on Facebook and saw my sister’s big dramatic post. It was a photo of my mom, my brother, his girlfriend, her kids, and my sister, all spreading the dog’s ashes on the beach. I felt like I’d been punched in the heart.
I called my mom, and the anger finally came through. I asked what the hell they were doing. She stammered that they were just spreading the dog’s ashes. I demanded to know why I wasn’t notified.
She said it “just sort of happened. ” My brother went with her to pick up the urn, my sister happened to be home, and they were all talking about it. She said my sister was devastated and needed closure before going back to college. I could tell my mom knew she had screwed up, but she had no explanation for why I wasn’t called or texted about any of it.
I felt like I was going crazy because she just kept saying “I don’t know” over and over. I asked if they kept any ashes. She quietly said no. I hung up.
She’s texted and called multiple times since, but I haven’t answered. I’m beyond hurt and angry. I’ve never lost something so dear to me. I understand it’s “just a dog,” but she wasn’t.
She was my friend. I raised her, trained her, took her everywhere with me. It was only this last year that I decided it wasn’t fair to drag her around while I traveled so much, so I trusted my mom to take care of her. And this happened.
I don’t know how to process it. I don’t know where to go from here. I can’t even look at my phone because of all the guilty, apologizing texts. I just want to be left alone.
But I also don’t want my mom to hurt, and I’m confused about why she would do this or what possible logic she could have. For context, I live about 30 miles away. I don’t have a car, but I would have taken a cab or a bus to attend any sort of ceremony. Everyone else in the family lives within a mile of each other, and my sister goes to college in the same town they do.
I tried asking my mom why I wasn’t invited or even notified, but she wouldn’t give me a real answer. That’s why I’m so angry, hurt, and confused. Then I got an email from my mom. I haven’t responded.
It read: “Dear, I know you’re grieving and can’t talk to me right now, and I understand that. I know it’s my fault, and thank you for not saying it is, but you would be right to do so. And if you did, that would be okay too. I can’t forgive myself, so I understand if you can’t forgive me right now.
You trusted me with your dog, and I let you both down. It never should have happened. I knew better. You told me never to let her in the front yard without a leash.
Just 30 seconds was all it took. If I’d turned back a split second earlier, she would have followed me. I will relive it over and over in my head for as long as I breathe. She was such a big part of everyone’s life.
I didn’t even realize how much I talked to her until the house was empty. I can’t sleep in the bedroom. I can’t be in the backyard and see her toys. I have no reason to go home anymore.
But she was your baby. You picked her out. You raised her. You trained her.
And she was always so happy to see you. If I’d just let her go back to you, she would be here. But you generously let her be with me. I’m so sorry.
And there’s nothing I can do to make anything better. I’m so sorry about the spreading of the ashes. I had no right to do that. None of us did.
I don’t have any explanation other than we were all emotional. I don’t have the words to express how sorry we all are. I don’t want sympathy. I’m not feeling sorry for myself.
I’m feeling sorry for how I failed all of you, but especially you and the dog. I deserve every minute of this pain. But you don’t, and that I will regret eternally. ”
She sounded genuinely remorseful.
There was no word from my brother or sister. The next day, my brother called. He’s 28, a weightlifting bartender, the “dude bro” type. It was really hard on him when everything happened.
His mom, little sister, girlfriend, and her two kids were all around when it happened, and they were all upset and crying. He called to ask how I was doing and to say he was sorry. He said it was overwhelming and he had no idea what to do. My mom was a total mess that day, so he left work early to be there for her.
His girlfriend was in the picture too—I didn’t know this—she and her kids were playing in the backyard at my mom’s when it happened. She heard my mom screaming and helped get the dog into the car. Then he told me something that made it all click. It was my sister who was adamant that they hold the impromptu ceremony after they got the ashes.
He and my mom both brought me up, but she said it was obvious I wanted time alone and that “these types of things upset me,” so it was best to just do it with them. Then she started crying, and apparently that made everyone cave. He also told me it was a group cremation, which I didn’t even know was a thing. I assumed it would be individual, like with people.
That knowledge helped a little, since it didn’t feel like it was exclusively my dog. On the day of the spreading, my brother called the vet and asked about a paw print cast. The vet said my mom had opted out, but my brother asked if it was too late. They said it wasn’t, so he asked them to do it.
I don’t blame my mom for opting out. She wasn’t in the best headspace, and we’ve had morbid conversations before where she said things like that creep her out and upset her. But my brother thought of me and thought I might like it. I would.
I really appreciated that he did that. Now for the weird part. At the beach, my sister, who’s 20, took a lot of pictures and used Snapchat and Instagram. My brother knew because she was complaining about the lack of signal.
He got angry but didn’t say anything since he didn’t think it was appropriate. I asked about the Instagram, since I didn’t know she had one. He texted me her account. There were four posts about the dog’s death, including from the beach, with more pictures than I’d seen on Facebook.
My sister is popular on campus and has thousands of followers on Instagram. Not only did she post about the dog’s death with big descriptions and photos, she also straight-up stole seven pictures I’d uploaded to my own Facebook over the years. Photos of the dog as a puppy, in training classes, chilling on the couch. Photos I took before my sister had even met her.
She stole them, slapped a crappy filter on them, and claimed them as her own on her Instagram, with big descriptions and hashtags. A lot of people guessed it. She did it for the likes, comments, whatever. Or maybe I’m being incredibly angry and not realizing this is how she grieves.
I have no idea. It just left me feeling hurt and creeped out. I thanked my brother for calling and told him I’d text him later, but that I just needed some space. He said no problem, and he’d let me know when he could get the paw print to me.
I called my mom after I spoke with him and told her I got her email. She cried again and apologized. It was tough to listen to. She told me she bought a peony to plant in the garden in the backyard in the dog’s memory, but it was too hard for her right now since the backyard is emotional for her.
I asked if she wanted to do anything for Mother’s Day this Sunday. She said she hadn’t even thought about Mother’s Day and didn’t really feel like celebrating. She asked if I wanted to do something for the dog this weekend, like plant the peony. I said I didn’t feel comfortable associating Mother’s Day with that sort of thing.
She asked if there was anything else I wanted to do. I told her the truth—I didn’t feel like doing anything either, and I kind of needed some space. She said she understood, and we could always do something later to make up for it. I didn’t say anything about the ashes or my sister and her Instagram.
It wasn’t brought up at all other than my mom being sorry for everything. I don’t know if I should mention my sister. I think my mom would get upset all over again. But I’m not sure if that’s just how people grieve or something.
My sister is incredibly hard to read. We’ve never gotten along because she’s very extroverted and opinionated, and I’m less so. We were already low contact since we don’t have a lot in common and she works and goes to school away from me. My sister turns 21 in June.
Before all this happened, my mom asked what big present we should get her. I think it’s safe to assume she won’t be getting any presents from me this year.
