We had been together for five years, engaged, and after a rocky start to the year in the bedroom, we had finally gotten things back on track. He’d asked me to make more of an effort, and I had, happily. So when he phoned me at the end of the day and I told him I’d call again when I was leaving work to meet him, I was looking forward to seeing him. When I got there, I tried to make a move on him.
“Nah, just had a wank,” he said. “Oh, okay, no worries,” I replied. I was a little confused, given our plans, but I let it go. We ate dinner and watched our TV show.
I knew I was being silly, so I didn’t say anything. But about an hour later, we were cuddling in bed and he asked me what was wrong. “Nothing,” I said. But he kept pressing me, over and over, until I finally answered him calmly.
“I’m just feeling a little bit upset that you chose to fantasize over another woman right before seeing me instead of having actual sex with your fiancée. ”
I made it clear I had no issue with him doing that in general. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t having a go at him.
I was just answering his question. He absolutely lost his crap. He started yelling at me, calling me stupid and an idiot, saying he couldn’t do anything right. He told me to stop being so insecure.
He said he was just tired. “Okay, I’m not trying to have an argument,” I said. “I’m just telling you how I feel as you asked me. I didn’t mean to piss you off.
”
He turned to me and said, “You can go home now. ”
I leaned in to give him a kiss goodbye. He leaned away. I asked if he was okay.
He ignored me completely. I said goodbye and left. I wasn’t trying to start a fight. I didn’t yell or cause a scene.
I was so confused about whether I was in the wrong that I posted the story online. Most people told me his reaction was the real problem, not what he did before I arrived. They said he pushed me to talk, then blew up when I did, then dismissed me like a servant. They told me not to marry him.
I didn’t listen. We got married. His behavior got worse. So much worse.
I spent years walking on eggshells, feeling like nothing I did was right. He threatened to hurt me and himself. He belittled me, intimidated me, isolated me from friends. He had a serious porn addiction.
I suspected him of cheating. The abuse was emotional, psychological, and financial, and it escalated exponentially after we moved in together. Eventually, I grew a backbone. He said I needed therapy to fix myself and fix us.
I went because I wanted to, which became another problem. But my therapist affirmed everything I was feeling. She told me she was very concerned for my safety. We started making a plan for me to leave.
A few months later, things ended between us. I’ve never looked back. After I started therapy and began asserting my boundaries, he went to my parents to flip the narrative. I hadn’t told them anything about our relationship, so at first, they took his side.
He came home and said, “I spoke with your parents. They want to have a serious chat with you about your behavior. ”
“My behavior? ” I thought.
I told my parents everything. When I came home, he interrogated me about how the chat went. “I told them everything,” I said. After that, his behavior escalated.
Physical intimidation. Threats of violence. I left the home. My therapist told me to tell his parents what was happening, which felt ridiculous, like we were in high school.
But I did. He admitted everything to them. They told him point-blank to stop abusing his wife. Then he pulled a 180 no one expected.
He ended things on the very day I had planned to leave. I assume he realized I wouldn’t be a complicit, mute doormat anymore, and he wanted to regain control of the situation and the narrative. Looking back, the signs were there before we married. I ignored them for longer than I’d like to admit.
I kept justifying his behavior. I thought I deserved it. Part of me posted that original story looking for validation that I wasn’t crazy, expecting to be told I was the a-hole instead. But I’m out now.
I’m free. I can’t put into words how happy I am or how much that relationship was affecting parts of my life I didn’t even realize at the time. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and healing, and I can confidently say I will never let myself be in that situation again. If your partner consistently dismisses you, invalidates you, or makes you question your own judgment, that’s not an off day.
That’s a pattern. A pattern is a pattern. If someone is showing you who they are, believe them. I wish I had listened to those strangers on the internet.
Better late than never.
