I grew up idolizing him. I crushed on him hard through most of my childhood, and by senior year, we finally went from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. We both knew I was leaving for college in the fall, hundreds of miles away, so we agreed to keep things light. We never went past second base.
Honestly, I would have been willing to go further, but I respected the agreement. Within a month of getting to college, the long-distance thing felt pointless. Back then, he still had dial-up internet, so all we could do was talk and text. I told him he should date around and have fun.
I said that when I came home for summers, we could hang out, and when I graduated, we could get back together as a couple. He wasn’t happy about it, but he agreed it was for the best. I lost my virginity about a month after our breakup, to a one-night stand. From there, I had a few friends with benefits and a couple of flings over four years.
But I never let myself get emotionally attached to anyone. I turned down dates with guys who wanted more than something physical, because in my head, when I finished college, I was going home to him. We talked constantly on Skype, at least once or twice a week. On summer breaks and holidays, we went out and did things together.
I thought we were the best of friends. I asked him often if he was dating. At first he wasn’t, but the last couple of years he said he’d gone on some dates. I asked to see photos of the girls, but he always laughed it off.
Early in freshman year, I told him I’d lost my virginity. He didn’t bat an eye. I guessed he didn’t care, as long as the plan was to come home to him. About a month ago, I started making plans to come home.
I told him I had an apartment lined up, and that he was welcome to stay with me once I got back. He asked why he would give up his house for an apartment. I asked how long he’d had the house. He said he’d closed on it in February.
I should have noticed that he didn’t ask me to stay with him. But I’m not that smart. I packed everything up. My brother and his wife were going to drive back with me after graduation.
I got on Skype with him this evening, excited. I was done with college, and I was going to ask him how we were going to move forward. I asked how he saw our life together now that I was coming home. The surprised look on his face was my first sign that this was about to blow up.
He said he didn’t see any reason why we couldn’t be friends just because we lived in the same town. I reminded him of the plan, that I’d been waiting for this day for four years. He might as well have reached through the computer and pulled out my heart. He said he thought we were just friends, and that we had both moved on from a romantic relationship years ago.
Then he told me he’d been dating a girl for over two years, and they intended to get married. I lost it. I started bawling. I berated him for leading me on.
I told him how I never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone. I called him an A-hole. That set him off. He ripped into me about being the one who broke up with him.
I reminded him that he agreed to separate. He said I never gave him a choice. He said at first he was hurt beyond words that I’d slept with someone else, but by the time I told him more about my life, he went from hurt to disgusted. I asked why he never said anything.
He said it wasn’t his business, and that it felt cruel of me to tell him those things over the years. And he was right, he never told me anything, even when I tried to drag it out of him. He said he’d always have a special place in his heart for me as a friend, but he could never see himself with someone like me. Someone like me?
I asked what that meant. Basically, he called me a hoe without using the word. He wasn’t okay with me having meaningless casual sex. I told him to go screw himself, hoped he and his stupid girlfriend had a wonderful life, and slammed my laptop down.
I felt pissed, humiliated, foolish, and hurt. This weekend was supposed to be a big party, but all I could do all night was lay in bed and cry. My brother and sister-in-law took turns holding me while I cried. I’ve had time to think.
Yes, I initiated the breakup. I didn’t want either of us to miss out on enjoying our youth. We’d only be together a few times over four years. I was going for an open relationship.
I even called it that. This wasn’t just for me. I wanted him to see and meet people too. But he wasn’t supposed to fall in love with anyone else.
Just date and have fun. He never once told me he had a long-term girlfriend. I thought he was just hooking up with different people. I guess that’s my fault for assuming it was multiple and not just one.
Someone asked if he cheated on her with me. I considered him mine to begin with, so in that context, yes. But he never physically cheated because we never did the deed. I just thought he was waiting, that it was special to him.
Ten days later, I was all moved into my new apartment, got the new job. Still hadn’t reconnected with old friends, because most had moved on or hadn’t come home yet. Friday night, we decided to go to the movies and catch dinner first. You may have guessed who was sitting in the restaurant.
We were already seated before I spotted them, and they’d already spotted us. I was curious what she looked like, so I tried to get my brother to look. He refused. It didn’t matter because they were getting ready to leave.
On their way by, he dropped by to say hello while his girlfriend went to the bathroom. Awkwardness ensued as we tried to have a fake conversation like nothing had changed. Then I saw her walking up behind him. She put her hand on his shoulder, which made me burn, but I didn’t say or act any differently.
He started to introduce her when she blurted out my sister-in-law’s name. They embraced. I was sitting there thinking, what the hell is going on here? Turns out the new girlfriend is my sister-in-law’s cousin.
I choked out a nice to meet you. She was being fake nice, and I could tell she knew about me because she kept touching him. They left, and I excused myself to the bathroom where I cried for about five minutes. My sister-in-law came in, apologizing, saying she had no idea.
I told her it wasn’t her fault. I was in no shape to go to the movies, so I told them to go without me. They only agreed if they could stop over after to check on me. The next day I had enough.
I didn’t care what people thought. I knew damn well we agreed to this together, and if my life was going to be crap, I wanted to know the real reason. Saturday, I went to his house and confronted him. She wasn’t there, thankfully.
Even if she was, I was still going to do it. I started off super pissed, but by the time he answered the door, I was an emotional wreck. He didn’t want me to come in, so we talked on his enclosed porch. I asked him flat out when and why he decided I wasn’t good enough, and why he never told me he had a long-term girlfriend.
His answers were vague. Then the thing I’m most embarrassed by happened. I started crying and begging him. I hate myself for that.
I made an absolute fool of myself. He was nice about the whole thing, but never once wavered from his commitment to her. I asked him if me being with other guys was the problem. I needed to hear it from him.
Basically, I threw away the man of my dreams for a string of one-night stands and a couple of friends with benefits, none of which meant anything to me. Now the virgin queen gets the man I honestly loved for four years, and it’s truly over. He really does love her and is devoted to her, which makes me hate her that much more. But the truth is, I hate myself even more because I’m the one who threw this away.
Several times over the years we talked about our plans together after college. Not once did he ever tell me our plans were no longer our plans as a couple. In retrospect, we never specifically said, hey, remember the plan about getting back together? But there were tons of I can’t wait to get home to be with you statements.
Not even two months ago I was telling him about my job offer and saying how happy I was so I could be with him, that we could start our life together. He never said a word contrary to it. Now he claims that every time I said something like that, he thought I meant as a friend. While it’s out of the question for me that he couldn’t have known what I was talking about, he doesn’t see it that way.
I won’t call him a liar, because he has never lied that I know of. But why he never told me he had a long-term relationship is beyond me. For those calling me a hoe, let me address this. Yes, I admit losing my virginity to a random person was a mistake.
And telling him about it in that manner was wrong. What I took as stoicism was him coping by detaching. But I haven’t slept with that many people, less than ten in my life. My college roommate would do that in about three months.
I spent the last two years with a friend who was a TA a few times a month, and one drunken throw with another friend. Calling me a hoe isn’t accurate. I never considered sex to be anything more than just an activity without love. That’s what truly sucks.
I never actually made love to someone, and it kills me that she’s had that with him, and I never will. I can’t see him as a friend right now. I have to have some distance, because if I see him, I know no matter how hard I try, I’m going to start crying and make a fool of myself again. I don’t know what’s worse, knowing I’ll never be with him, or knowing that in my clueless state, I did hurt him.
Sometimes I feel like I’m watching a movie of my life instead of living it, and right now it’s a combination horror film and tragic comedy. I’m going through a lot of stages of grieving. My first was anger, but now I’m down to sadness and guilt.
